A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
