how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
