The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
