please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
