I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My bed smells like the plague
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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