why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
