Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize