I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize