My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
