He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
