Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sext me about skeletons
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
