when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
