why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And then my night got REAL pukey
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
