remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
