I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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