Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
