When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
