Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
