thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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