why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
