I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
