I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
