I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
