I wannas sexs uuuuu
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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