Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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