Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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