so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
