Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
