the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
