Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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