the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
