Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
