so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
