Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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