Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
