Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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