Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize