new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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