I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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