Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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