I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
