How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
