last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
