At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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