Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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