So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
