Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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