Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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