But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
