remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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