well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
