i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
