so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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