I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
