last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
