No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
