I wish I only lived at night.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
