Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
