Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
