My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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