I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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