If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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