Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
