some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
