Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
