My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
