whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
